The Fifteen (#3)

repeat…over the course of the final fifteen days of 2009,   i’m going to let you in on fifteen things that need to change in my life in the coming year.   fifteen decisions that i am making that reflect things that are important to me.

i’m going to go waaay out on a limb.   i’m going to give you my best shot at honest transparency, in an attempt to be held accountable.  some things will be  about my spiritual journey…others are simply improvements to the life i walk.   either way, they are important to me…and here’s the next one on the list:

change number three

in the spirit of partially-full disclosure, i’m going to admit something to you.   i want to be liked.  i don’t want people to dislike me.  there.  i said it.

i’m a good friend.  i’m loyal.   i give trust before it is earned.   i offer forgiveness  immediately.  i am always willing to talk out a problem.   again and again and again.

i believe the best in my friends.   i don’t get mad at people.  that’s a waste of time.  i work hard to understand where people are coming from.  i try my best to see things from other’s perspective and to do my best to walk in their shoes.   i value diversity and recognize that people are not always going to have my take on things or believe exactly what i believe.

i’m guilty of being too sarcastic at times and i’m always looking for a joke to say or play…but i  think my friends know that about me.   i can be thoughtless, insensitive, and preoccupied.   i know that my words and actions have caused hurt.  it comes with the territory of relationship.

i can forget to followup and can let my busyness overwhelm my calendar to the point that i get overwhelmed by all the people i need to keep in contact with.

i know that my leadership will require me to take stands on issues and make difficult decisions.  i don’t run from that responsibility, but i work extra hard to validate those with opposing viewpoints and go overboard to be sensitive to their positions.

in spite of that, i still lose friends.  people determine that it’s time to move on and no longer invest in our friendship.

i’ve been a church pastor-leader-minister-teacher-counselor for 37 years.  i have struggled deeply with the  loss of friends at various times throughout all of my ministry life.   i’m smart enough to know that it comes with the territory.

in most of these situations, i’ve got a pretty good idea what i have probably done to contribute, but i’ll never know the full extent of it, because we cease to interact.  so i generally do two things.

i blame myself for their responses.  and i hold on to the hurt of losing their friendships.   this has got to change.

this is about me…not about them.

i love that god has placed inside of me a heart that cares about the loss of friendship.  i truly would never want that to change.  but there is something about  people who can let roll off their backs like a duck that i admire.

the strength of character in people who can say, “look…if you don’t want to be my friend anymore, it’s your loss”, sounds really good to me, most of the time.

there are people who view loss and shake it off much quicker than i do.   they are able to let other’s assume responsibility for their responses.  they seem to get over the loss much sooner than i do and move on to more important things than regret, guilt, blame, sadness, and lingering grief.

they get back to business quickly and limit their looking back.

i am determined to be that kind of person.   i need to stop blaming myself for the responses of others (even if they are reacting to my actions)…and i need to stop holding on to the hurt ( even if they really are blaming me).

i need to admit this problem.   i need to stop denying it.   i need to go back to praying specifically for wisdom and insight for how to relinquish this.   i need to stop running scared.

i need to see the sin of guilt, self-blame, and pre-occupation with the past.  i need to start (immediately) and begin  obeying the words of the apostle paul:

But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,  I press on…  Philippians 3:13

anybody feel like they want to join me on this one?

#blame #forgiveness #guilt #past