Marriage Tuesday…on Wednesday

a little late getting into the swing of things after five days in colorado.  sometimes there are tough jobs to do and somebody’s just gotta step up and do them…

anyway, here goes.  one of the ways that people say that a husband is to be the head of the wife is in the area of decision-making.  the thinking goes this way:

it is inevitable that couples will have differences of opinion on decisions that need to be made as a couple or as a family.  questions such as:  buying a new car, changing jobs, moving to a new city, what church to attend, how to discipline the children, how much money to put in the offering plate, where to go on vacation, how often to have sex…and hundreds of others.

the traditional view of marriage headship says that when a couple reaches in impasse in the decision-making process…after all attempts at compromise have been exhausted…the decision should be made by the husband, since he is the head and the spiritual leader of the marriage.  the wife should willingly submit to her husband’s decision.

this may be a model of decision-making that works well for many couples, but it’s not the pattern that wanda and i have followed through the years.  i have never felt comfortable forcing wanda into concession…even if she wanted to concede her position.  we have always opted for consensus.

whenever we have faced decisions where the two of us have found our way to opposite sides of an issue, we keep working towards agreement.  i never play the spiritual leader chip.  i have never said to wanda, “i’m the leader, so we’re going to do what i think is best or what i think god wants us to do.”  never.  ever.

when faced with differences of opinion on what the next step in the process is, we are free to lobby, discuss, dispute, contest, or even argue.  but when we don’t agree, we look for new possibilities.  somebody doesn’t have to win. nobody’s voice, opinion, insight, perspective, belief, or conviction is more important than the other’s.

the responsibility for the decision does not fall to me because i am the man.  the responsibility for the decision falls to both of us, because we are a partnership.

some would say i am shirking my duty as the spiritual leader of our marriage.  i prefer to think that shared decision-making is more honorable to god and more affirming to wanda…not to mention a much smarter and prudent way of making decisions.

#decisions #headship #marriage