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sometimes i read books and listen to preachers who would have us believe that the only people who can have good marriages are christians.
i don’t believe that.
muslims can have good marriages. atheists can have good marriages. hindus can have good marriages. and they can all have marriages that blow up. just like christians.
the point is there is no belief system that makes a marriage bomb-proof. judging by the evidence, it takes a lot more than believing in god…or claiming the authority of a holy book…or calling on supernatural power…or praying real hard…to make a successful marriage.
just like having a lot of money…or a bunch of education…or healthy children…or great jobs…or big boy toys to play with…or reading books by the so-called experts…are no insurance policies against marriage implosion.
every marriage is different. mine certainly is. wanda and i were both 21 when we got married. looking back, we pretty much stumbled into our life together. it wasn’t until after we got married that we found the will and the vision and the tools to live happily ever-after.
in spite of all the differences marriages have (both strong ones and struggling ones), they all share something in common: motivation.
they all have to answer the same questions: “do we want to have a good…or better…marriage?” and if we do, “why?”
many couples have strong reasons to build a healthy and long-lasting marriages:
they are highly motivated to experience personal happiness.
they enjoy each other’s company and want it to continue.
they recognize the long-term benefits of staying together.
they are committed to giving their children a healthy home life.
their partnership provides safety and security.
…and as long as their partner is essential in meeting those motivational needs, couples will continue to pursue building a strong marriage. but there’s a huge problem here. what happens when things change?
if you are highly motivated by pursuing your own personal happiness, what happens when someone or something else comes along that brings you more pleasure?
what happens when your partner begins to change and you no longer enjoy their company the way you used to when you were younger?
what happens when your marriage no longer has the potential for the long-term benefits you thought you were going to get? when the potential for greater benefits can be found in other people or other situations?
what happens when your kids grow up and move out of the house? what happens when your stuck with just each other?
what happens to all that security and safety in your partnership when the money’s gone and the house is falling apart and bills are mounting and jobs are lost?
what happens when danger starts to creep into your marriage and jealous impulses begin to threaten the confidence you have in your partner?
i’m not trying to rain on your marriage parade here. i’m just saying these are real-life situations that most every marriage faces at one time or another. yours and mine included.
so what’s your plan? what is that thing that will drive you to marriage excellence? what will make your partner the joy of your your life…and you, the joy of his/hers? what is going on inside your head and your heart that will not only keep you from giving up on your marriage…but will motivate you to invest in protecting it and growing it and building it into something that will last until death do you part?
if you’re still married, there’s still time.
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