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it’s time to take marriage tuesday in a different direction. i’ve enjoyed the study and discussions about headship, submission and male/female roles. i hope it’s been good for you. we’ll revisit it again sometime…
let’s go down a different road for a few weeks. let’s talk about…gulp…sex.
i’m going to start this whole thing off with a warning. i intend for this to have a “pg-13 rating”. i plan to say some things that i might not say in a sermon on sunday mornings…not because they shouldn’t be said, but because there may be some kids in our audience on sunday mornings who might not be able to handle the frankness of the topic. there’s a time and a place for this discussion. this will be a place for some of it.
here is my beginning point. pay careful attention. sexual intimacy between a husband and a wife is supposed to be a good thing. a really good thing. it is supposed to be anticipated. it is supposed to be over-the-top fun. it’s not just for making babies.
hear this: if your sexual relationship with your spouse is uncomfortable, painful, confusing, ignored, unpleasant, blah, embarrassing, awkward, or avoided… there is a problem. and it can happen to anyone.
some newlyweds never get the hang of it. the sexual exploits talked about in the locker room or portrayed in the movies never quite become a reality. busyness gives way to exhaustion. a bad experience can permanently scar. puritanical church teaching damages our expectations. parents don’t give the talk. the sexual act produces a baby, but kills the sex drive…not to mention the effects of late-night feedings.
couples with young children are constantly drained. no money. no time. no energy. no privacy. no sex.
bad theology and cultural expectations place the responsibility on the woman to provide and service to her hunter-gatherer-provider-hero-protector-spiritual leader-husband. beer commercials (and a thousand other examples) have taught men that it is normal to objectify women (even our own wives) and see their role as our libido satisfiers.
we are now taught that it is entirely acceptable for men and women to fulfill their sexual fantasies on the internet…through sexually explicit websites and chat rooms. our culture is now telling us that’s what normal people do.
the older we get, the more demanding life can be. teenagers. bills. work. managing a home. fixing the rain gutters. college. have a “date night”??? just get me to my recliner…
the “empty nest” is supposed to be the coolest time ever for a couple, but for many, there are just years and years of slowly growing apart…not investing in the relationship…not addressing the most important issues…and the couple is left with nothing but…an empty nest.
before we go too far, let’s make something perfectly clear. the purpose of marriage is not to have great sex. nor is it to populate the planet or perpetuate your family name. the purpose of marriage is not to create financial stability or provide emotional security.
the purpose of marriage is to bring honor to god and point people to the greatness of kingdom living. the purpose of marriage is to shape us into people that reflect the nature and character of jesus. it is a place for us to experience the effect of promise-keeping in our lives.
but make no mistake. healthy sexual intimacy is designed to play a huge role in accomplishing that purpose. and when the sexual relationship with our partner is unfulfilling, it can (and will) have an effect on every other part of our marriage. likewise, when our sexual relationship is healthy, fun, robust, anticipated and mutually enjoyed…you can bet that it will have a positive effect…on just about everything!
let me give you an assignment. if you think your sexual relationship with your spouse could be better, i want to recommend a book for you both to read. it’s frank. it’s explicit. it’s funny. it’s very open. it’s written by a christian counselor.
you won’t agree with everything he says. i don’t. but he says things that need to be said and opens up paths of dialogue that could transform your relationship with your spouse.
no matter if you are newly married or oldsters with blood that still flows, you should read this book. together. out loud, if you dare. lay aside your christians-don’t-talk-about-this-stuff attitude and move out closer to the edge. good things can happen when we take risks.
if your relationship with your spouse is secretly stale, cold, or dying…don’t give up. give this a shot. and we’ll talk about it here. who knows? maybe god is big enough to make a difference!
here’s the book:
it’s called “sheet music”, by kevin leman. you can order it from amazon
right here…or you can get it from the local christian bookstore. whatever you do, just get it.
remember, there are explicit, controversial, and potentially uncomfortable topics. there are issues i have with a few things. but overall, this is one of the best books that i have come across that lays it all out there.
you won’t regret this.
i can’t wait for next tuesday.
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