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i’m a recovering rescuer. fifteen years ago, during my first week as a brand new resident of the great state, i wrote in my journal (the paper and pen kind…) that i would no longer rescue people. pretty bold statement for a guy who spent years believing his own press and really thought that people needed me!
i recently read a review of a book that i wish i would have read years ago. the truth might seem rather elementary to you, but to me, its pretty revolutionary stuff. in his book “lasting impressions”, mark waltz describes the difference between having responsibility to people, not for people.
when i’m responsible to people, i understand they have a choice. when i’m responsible for people, i think i should decide for them. when i’m responsible to people, i know they must figure out their next step. when i’m responsible for people, i try to tell them what their next step is. when i’m responsible to people, i allow them to bear the brunt of the consequences for their own chosen actions. when i’m responsible for people, i assume the guilt, or worse the shame, for them. when i’m responsible to people, i engage in their journey, offering encouragement and teaching. when i’m responsible for people, i try to direct their journey, never allowing them to wrestle, mess up or make a wrong turn. when i’m responsible to people, i talk to god on their behalf. when i’m responsible for people, i talk to people a lot on god’s behalf.
dave browning (a pastor at christ the king community church in burlington, washington) recently wrote this about pastors:
One of the most basic boundaries we can maintain is our skin. I am responsible for everything inside my skin. You are responsible for everything inside your skin. It is a fundamental demarcation between “me” and “you.” Sometimes pastors feel like they have to have all the answers, solve all the problems and make everything right…for everyone. If you are one of these, my heart goes out to you today. It is a very frustrating thing to feel responsible for the thoughts and actions of other people. It is quite liberating to know that I only have a responsibility to other people – to love them, to be honest with them, to be a friend and support. What’s going on inside them is “all theirs.”
these are words i need to read every day. maybe you do, also.
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