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i’m not claiming to know all there is to know about divorce. i’ve never gone through one. i’ve never known the pain and the struggle and the confusion and the guilt and the feelings of hopelessness that so many have told me about through the years.
i’ve walked with dozens and dozens of kids (over the past 37 years) who have agonized over their parent’s divorce and labored through feelings of blame and misplaced responsibility…not to mention the loss, competition, anger, separation, and anxiety that accompanies the drama.
for those that i have talked to, prayed with, and counseled through, the failure is overwhelming. and for many, the distance and separation from god is crushing.
so it is with great care and tremendous sympathy that i will offer these closing words on divorce.
as i said yesterday, jesus’ most profound words on marriage occur in matthew 19. so do his most profound words on divorce.
Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator `made them male and female,’ and said, `For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’ ? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Matthew 19:3-9
jesus’ answer about divorce? no. period. don’t mess with what god has cemented together. don’t even think about it. don’t let it into the conversation. never. ever. no matter what.
“but what about____________?”
“what if____________is happening?”
“surely god doesn’t want me to suffer with ______________, does he?”
sorry. same answer. jesus is nothing, if not consistent.
so they ask him, “why did moses command divorce? didn’t he get the laws directly from god?”
jesus speaks the words that should penetrate us to the core. he says the reason that people get divorces is because their hearts grow hard…cold…faithless. these words are dark and ugly. and true.
divorce happens because people give up. there may be callousness and resentment. there may be abuse and neglect. there may be cheating and distance and walls. there may be loneliness. there may be emptiness and love has long since left the building.
but make no mistake. whatever the reason…whatever the excuse…whatever the rationale or justification…jesus says it boils down…always boils down to one thing: hearts grow hard.
divorce happens because hearts grow hard and cold and empty and people just stop believing that god is big enough to make a difference. hardness of heart causes people to grow indifferent and faithless. it causes people’s faith to shrink and they start trusting their own logic and the wisdom of well-meaning, but deceived friends. and the marriage dies.
are people ever better off because they have divorced? some. at least they sure look like it to me.
people come to me (as the priest, pastor, resident theologian, spokesman for god) and want my “blessing” for their divorce and possible remarriage. it is not mine to give…and i will never give it. people want the bible to say something it doesn’t say. marriage is for life…under any and every circumstance. divorce always falls short of god’s ideal. always. it hurts to say it. it hurts to admit it.
in my opinion, a follower of christ should never, ever initiate divorce. a follower of christ can remain separated in a difficult marriage, but not divorce, in order to give god time to work in the hearts of both parties. if one partner pursues the divorce and moves on, i would, only then, accept the reality of the end of the marriage.
jesus seems to give a “loophole” for divorce. but it also seems to me that he is not saying we should pursue divorce in the case of unfaithfulness…merely that it could be legally done under the law of moses.
on a practical level, i never counsel any believer to initiate divorce. it’s not my place to do that. for me to tell them (or bless them) to initiate divorce is equal to me telling them there is no hope and that god is impotent in their relationship. i won’t do that. nor will i tell them not to initiate. i simply try to speak the truth as i see it and stand by them after they have made their choices.
that’s not to say that i haven’t been secretly relieved or supportive of a handful of godly people who have gone ahead and initiated divorce. life is complicated.
honestly, there is much more to say about divorce. that’s why there are so many books written on the subject by men and women much smarter than i am. if you still want more information, i can recommend some good authors. if you want to talk, let me know. if you are struggling in your marriage, tell someone who will come along side you, point you to the words of god, and hold you accountable.
this has been good. we’ll tackle another difficult topic down the road sometime.
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